Christmas Stress: A Reader Question

I recently received an email from a reader asking about enjoying Christmas when you have to spend it with unsaved crabby people who like to verbally abuse you as their own special Christmas tradition. I am not sure if what I wrote helps, but as a fellow momma in a similar boat, I shared a few things the Lord had taught me.

Edit: after I wrote this, I read an article at Focus on the Family's Boundless.org which addresses a similar but somewhat different situation (mostly from the perspective of singles coming home for Christmas). I feel the author also has some helpful food for thought in her article!

I love Christmas, but to be honest, I hate family gatherings because my unsaved family is very against some of our family's lifestyle choices, and they want to spend every moment with me picking apart my life. I wish I could just be a better person than that and let them treat me as they do knowing they aren't Christians, but as the day approaches I feel more and more defensive and irritable.

There was more to the email than that...but this is the gist of it.

I read your email last night, and my husband and I both smiled to each other at the familiarity of the story, because as much as I LOVE Christmas, I find this awful pit in my stomach at the thought of family gatherings, being criticized by those who think they are being helpful by pointing out all the ways you don't measure up over Christmas dinner.

Like you, I love Christmas. I dread family gatherings.

I know what holidays are supposed to be, and I know how holidays are when extended family is not involved, and I know how holidays are when my extended family on both sides are involved. I admit...I wish I had way more grace for extended family, and I pray for it often, especially this time of year.

There are a few tactics that help. I wish I could tell you something That would "Work" and make them stop being rude to you and your family. I have not yet found that magical formula to transform a grouchy, critical mother in law into a saint, other than her getting saved (though bringing up the reason for the season around mine makes her jack up the ugliness factor 10x). But I have found some things that help our attitudes.

1. Pray.
Don't walk into the situation without some prayer time before hand. Take time from the Christmas busy-ness and spend time on your knees or standing at your kitchen sink crying out to God. Ask Him to put a love in your heart for them, and the grace to overlook their meanness. Ideally, pray all year long :-)

2. Let your husband run interference with his parents.
This is a little more complex, because you can't control your husband any more than you can control his mommy. Some guys have a hard time standing up to their parents, even to defend their wives.

The thing is, he knows how she is. He grew up with her. He can deal with her easier than you can and may not be interpreting the situation the same way you are. However, good communication in ways that he understands (don't use the phrases "she always", "I never...", etc. Those don't compute for most guys) to help him see how this hurts you, may help him to see how this is affecting you, and help him to know what he can do about it. Be specific. As my honey always tells me, "I don't read minds!" We ladies seem to like to infer things and hope our men connect the dots from point A to point B...they don't often think that way, so be specific.

3. Take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:1-4)
In short, don't dwell on the rude ramblings of grouchy people. Dwell on God's goodness to you, all the things He's done this year (if you have a blessing book, then use it to remind yourself of the good things God has done). Fill your mind with Scripture. This time of year, fill your mind with godly Christmas carols. Have a song in your heart (Col. 3:16).

4. Remind yourself about the facts
What are the facts? The facts are you are a child of God, and they sound like they are miserable, empty people who need to tear others down to make themselves feel better. If anything people like this are to be pitied.

5. Walk Away
There is a Bible principle that I learned while praying about this several years ago. In Proverbs, in a few verses it talks about going from the presence of a foolish person, and not making friendships with angry people. When someone gets ugly, walk away. If they follow you, be nice, but say something like, "I came here to celebrate Christmas, not to be treated rudely, even if it is 'in jest'. When you are ready to talk nicely to me or be silent, I'll come back in the room.".

A caveat: less is best when doing this. Don't be so overly sensitive that you are throwing, essentially, a temper tantrum whenever someone says something stupid that hurts your feelings. I have politely and calmly asked various offenders to be nicer, or let them know that it hurt my feelings, but if it escalates to all out verbal abuse and meanness (and it has), I have walked away. Sometimes I have driven away even when it was at my own house!

6. Don't "answer a fool according to his folly" (Proverbs 26:4)
Don't respond back in kind. Don't answer a snarky comment with an even snarkier comment. Don't repay evil, rude treatment with equally evil and rude treatment. You're better than that. If you are tempted, walk away. Take a breather. Step out on the porch and enjoy the fresh air. Go play with your kids. Help them put together some insanely complicated toy. Resist the urge to snap back if that is your tendency, as this will only make it escalate.

7. Check Your Expectations
There are two kinds of expectations that can be bad in these situations.

The first is expecting a Norman Rockwell Christmas Card sort of Christmas. This tends to lead to disappointment when it doesn't happen. Don't build up expectations to the point where you are going to come crashing down when they don't happen just the way you dreamed about it. Real life is not like those Currier and Ives postcards, though it would be nice, wouldn't it?

The second is anticipating negativity and being stressed and anxious before you even arrive at your destination. Don't expect to walk away with more baggage and bad memories. If you or I walk into our in-laws houses tomorrow, defensive and expecting the worst, our attitude may evoke a similar response in those we are visiting, and, shall we say, "get the party started" in a negative way.

8. The Day is not What's Important
If you have to spend the 24th and the 25th with the extended family, you can still observe Christmas your way on the 23rd or the 26th, or any other day for that matter. Even if you have to observe the incarnation with people who use His name as a profanity multitple times per hour, doesn't mean you can't still spend time (sometime during this season) reflecting on the miracle of the time when Jesus "...was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth." (John 1:14).

Have a Merry Christmas!

What is your FAVORITE Christmas Tradition?

I'm curious to know, what sort of traditions do you have at your happy household that make this time of year extra special?

Some of ours include the Advent calendar idea I mentioned a few weeks ago, as well as our cute advent wreath we keep on the table. The kids like progressively seeing more and more candles lit each week, as we get ready for Christmas.

We love Christmas music...a little too much in fact. I had to make a rule that there was no Christmas music allowed until after my Birthday (October 29)...we also love to learn some Christmas music for the piano to play in church (our church has music students...no matter the age...play prelude Christmas music every Wednesday during December), and for grandma when she comes. This year, with my cell phone having MP3 capabilities, I uploaded all of my Christmas music to it, and I plug it into a pair of speakers, so that we can all enjoy it. :-). I set it to shuffle the music, and the mp3 player says we have over 1 day of music in the Christmas playlist. Whoa. that's a lot of Christmas music!

As the kids get older we also talk more about the Christmas story and asking them what the Lord is showing them through it. This is very exciting to hear how God is touching their hearts!! Sometimes we also talk about Christmas carols and the stories behind them or the message communicated in them. Much food for thought there. Many of those Christmas carols are powerful songs of worship. I remember the the Christmas after I got saved...listening to O Holy Night and just being BLOWN AWAY by the words...why hadn't I noticed that before?

We like to bake Christmas cookies of course. We really love Gingerbread, but we also like some sugar cookies. We also make some Gingerbread houses (pictures at this post) and gingerbread people. Going to be doing that today (While listening to some Christmas music of course).

This year I've had to slow things down quite a bit more than usual, because of my shoulder. The MRI came back "normal" (PTL) but the x-ray is still a concern, so I have to see a surgeon. That's scary to me. Some days it feels good...and then I do too much...and then it hurts again. So, by my husband's orders, I'm sitting here from my command post wondering what everyone else is doing for Christmas. :-)).

So, what's your family's favorite thing to do around Christmas to make it special? What's your favorite Christmas carol, and why? I posted about mine last year in this post.

...and that's what Christmas is all about...

I was recently reading another blog where they posted this clip (below) from a Charlie Brown Christmas. I hadn't watched that movie since I was a kid, and so I guess I never noticed this scene before, but it sure blessed me:

Our first day of Advent

Today we opened our first "bag" on our "Advent Calendar"! This part of Christmas is always the kids' favorite thing in the world. Normally, I use paper bags, but this year, I sewed some nicer bags from some pretty Christmas cloth, as you can see below!

I also made some tags for the bags that I wrote the numbers on. I printed these on business card stock, and laminated them.


We put our "Advent Calendar" up the staircase, and fill it with different goodies each day, usually some little, inexpensive craft or candy. Today, the children were delighted to find Candy Canes in it.



What special Christmas traditions do you have? How to do share Christ's love with others, including your children, during this season of the year?

We find that Advent is a great way to remind ourselves of the real REASON for the SEASON...the incarnation of Christ! God was made flesh, and He dwelt among us! Just the thought, if you meditate on it for any length of time will just blow your mind.

This is one of the reasons why I put together my Advent ebook, Advent: Preparing for the Coming of the Lord. It's a 4 week long devotional for families to help us to focus on the Lord, His first coming, and His imminent return during a season of year full of the gimmes. If you buy the Advent ebook before December 21st, you'll get a free Gingerbread book.

Joseph's Choice

As the Christmas season is upon us, I tend to take the time to read and re-read the different passages about the birth of our Savior. I usually find my mind pondering and meditating on the old familiar story of Jesus and thinking about those events from all of the various points of view. Recently, both in my own devotional time, and during a sermon at our church last night, I have found myself thinking quite about about Joseph and the choice which God laid before him.

Why did God, in His soverignty, choose Joseph in the first place? The Bible talks a lot of him being a just man, and devout, and I think that was important for more reasons than just the rearing of the Holy Child. He needed to be someone willing to listen to God, and go against the flow. As we have been learning in the Faith Bible Institute classes which my husband and I are taking at church, in the Bible, the majority is usually wrong (ie, 10 said no but 2 said Go at Kadesh Barnea).

Anyway, this got me to think about the choice Joseph had to make. Picture it: a godly man, engaged to a young woman he assumed was pure and godly too, in a day when people get stoned to death for premarital s*x and suddenly he finds out that she is pregnant. What would most guys do? what would you do?

A man not really in control of his passions may have lost his temper and had her stoned to death promptly, in the heat of the moment, and his pain at the betrayal.

A self-righteous and insecure man may have wanted to make her a public example just to protect his own good reputation, making certain that everyone knew HE was an innocent victim in all of this, and SHE was guilty.

But, being a godly man, he didn't do anything rash. He took some time and prayed and pondered these things, finally deciding to put her away quietly, instead of letting her become a public example.

Finally the Lord sent an angel to speak to him, and tell him to do something that defied reason: take Mary as his wife.

I don't really think I ever quite grasped just what this meant for Joseph before, until recently. By marrying her, it appeared to those in the area who knew of her "condition" that he was admitting guilt along with her. After all, why would he marry her if he wasn't the father? He risked so much by marrying Mary, not the least of which being his reputation.

Perhaps, looking at His character, God knew that Joseph was a man which God could trust to make God's choice, and not the logical, common sense one.

Favorite Carols

This week, in our ladies' counsel group at Reformers Unanimous, our "assignment" from the group leader is to think about our favorite Christmas carol and and why we love it so much. I had to think about that for a little bit...but to be honest, I have several favorites not just one. You probably can guess that just from what is playing on the website (if you have your volume off, turn it up!!!)

First I love Carol of the Bells because I love the melody. I've tried learning to play that on the piano (I've had a total of 9 lessons now LOL), but have not yet succeeded it playing it both hands. It sure is pretty though! :-)

Then there's I heard the bells on Christmas Day, because I love the message...Longfellow's wife had just died horribly in an accident, and his son was disabled during the Civil War. The country was tearing itself apart. Longfellow's words are good for us today, in a post 9-11 world, too...especially as he resolves, by the final stanza, that "God is not dead/nor doth He sleep/the wrong shall fail/the right prevail/with peace on earth/goodwill to men!" It's a great song, and very moving. Google around to read the story behind those awesome lyrics!

I totally love Handel's entire Messiah. I have a CD with the complete Messiah in English, and then also a German CD featuring Mozart's rendition of Handel's work (Mozart, as I understand it, arranged the German lyrics and changed the music only slightly).

I really love "The Little Drummer Boy" since getting saved, because it makes me think of Ephesians 4 and Romans 12---giving our best for the Lord and using our talents and gifts for His glory, and to honor and worship Him. As a friend said when were were talking about it, "Wow, that's deep". I don't know about deep...but the song is a story about a boy who sees the astronomers from the Orient coming to see the baby Jesus, and he wants to see the little King but knows that he shouldn't go to see his King emptyhanded...He laments not having the same sort of lavish gifts which the magi have brought along, but then realizes he has his drum, and he can play a song for Jesus, and so he does. I use that song to remind my kids all the time...it isn't about doing something "great" for God because whatever we do for Him by faith is great in His eyes, no matter how "small" it is with human eyes (being kind and helpful to visitors, making cookies for a widower, writing a kind note, and on and on). That's probably why it's my favorite!

Frugal Christmas Tree Question

I got this question from Stephany:

Just a quick question. This is our first year together, and we are trying to decide what is best for getting a tree. Artifical ones cost so much, and the real ones seem so wasteful. Do you have any ideas?

Congratulations on your first year together! Woo hoo. Many happy years to you both!

I think there are two different issues here...firstly, is there a preference either of you have? I know a few guys that are totally adamant about the "real tree" thing. I have done a real tree before and all it took was one year of sweeping up pine needles (and finding them periodically for a few years!), that we decided against that. If you have a fire place, a friend of mine who insists on a real tree each year bundles her Christmas tree branches up and uses them in her fire place (with other wood), for a nice, pine-fresh smell. She just lights the fire, has the other logs in there, and then gently lays the fresh branches over the top. I think it smells nice too, but alas, I have no fire place, and I have a hard time keeping my tree laying around until the first June bon fire. LOL

However, secondly, the cost of a brand new artificial tree, purchased right before the holidays, is very costly. Most newlyweds (or oldyweds ;)) don't have $100 bucks (or more) to drop on an once-a-year decoration.

The solution, for us, was to purchase one AFTER Christmas, with a gift card my mom had given me. The tree (regular price was over $150) was less than $20, and was "pre lit"...that means, the lights were incorporated into the design, and instead of having to wrestle with your light strings each year, and have oodles of wires hanging all over the place (overloading your sockets), you have just one wire coming neatly out of the bottom of the tree, and you have lights that are neatly positioned all over the tree evenly. If at all possible, I strongly recommend a pre lit tree.

Lucia Buns for Breakfast in Bed

My middle child is a whopping 11 today! whenever there is a birthday, that means breakfast in bed for the birthday child (or parent!).

I'm not sure how we started this little tradition or how it came to be the breakfast in bed is usually Lucia Buns, but somehow we've been doing this most of the years we've been in this house (about 9 years now).

I make the Lucia Buns, which are a Swedish sweet roll, the night before, since it is a yeast bread, and I am not waking up to bake LOL. Because my mom is coming over this afternoon, and we have a fellowship tonight, I made a double batch of them.

I started with warm milk, and I dissolved the yeast into it.

While the yeast was dissolving, I pulverized some Saffron and a small amount of sugar together. I have a mortar and pestle (gotta love garage sales!!!!!) but you can also use a flat bottomed mug in a bowl. Saffron looks like little dark orange hairs, in a small, square, plastic box. You only need a pinch of them. When shopping for saffron, you can usually find it on a card and hanging up along the aisle where the spices are.


I dump the sugar and saffron mixture into the yeast and milk mix and stir.

Next, I start adding more and more flour, as well as melted butter, to make a bread-like dough, which I then knead well on a floured board.

Let it rise about 45 minutes, then punch down and shape into "s" shapes (or any other shape you want.)

I start by grabbing some of the dough, and forming a rope

I roll out the rope until it is as wide as the surface I'm working on (about 2.5 feet),


Then I cut it in half


and cut the pieces in half again.

Next, taking one of those pieces, I roll it out and then coil up the one side half way


And then the other. They will look like the letter "s" or like sea horses (According to my daughter).

Place them on a baking sheet or stone, and let them rise about 30 minutes.

Preheat an oven to 350F and bake for about 30 minutes or until golden brown. Powder with powdered sugar.

Homemade Advent Calendars for Large Families!

Well, it's that time of year again. We are getting our Christmas decor up and out. I am not sure why we seem to do it right after Thanksgiving now, other than the kids deciding that it is better to have the Advent Calendar start the weekend of Thanksgiving.

Unlike small, flat advent calendars which one finds at a store, with one little piece of chocolate behind the numbered doors, our advent calendar is designed for a family of seven :-). I begin by finding items to put in it: usually small items such as little craft kits (like what you may find at Oriental Trading), as well as sweets. This year we also added a small box of colored pencils for each child, which I picked up for just a quarter a piece at a sale this summer. I also found some nice little pencil boxes, and erasers. My kids are all into drawing so these things are always in demand!

Next, I grabbed 30 paper lunch sacks (it used to be 25 when we started, as normal people do, on the first of December!), and numbered them 1-30, and set them out, open, on the dining room table.



I filled each one with five items for the day, such as five pencils, five craft kits, or five little chocolates.

Next, I folded down the tops of the bags, and punched two holes in the top:



Next, I put about 8 inches of string into the holes, with the loose string hanging out of the back side. You can also use some nicer ribbon, or anything of that sort. This year things are a little tight ;) so the twine I found on my dh's work bench is going to suffice.


Next, I need a place to hang them. We are blessed with this gorgeous oak staircase in our house...one of the features that made me want the house in the first place (and cause me to totally miss the other problems with it LOL). I think the old farmer who built the house carved some of it by hand! Anyway, we wrap our bannisters with garland, and tie the bags on the bannisters/garlands from 30 at the top, down to 1 at the bottom.



Each day, the kids open one of the bags, counting down for Christmas. Usually we do Christmas-related memory verses from my Advent Devotional too.

Christmas Celebrations at our House

(A somewhat unflattering picture of me with the pooch in my lap after filling up on Turkey on Christmas Day)

Happy New Year, everyone!

Life, as you can imagine it, has been insanely busy at our house. We had children singing in Christmas programs, and a teen who sang in the cantata (and all of the practices that go with it) and a mommy who sewed some costumes for the cantata too...not to mention a hot sale over at the This Old Schoolhouse website bookstore which kept me hopping, filling orders every day after Christmas. Praise the Lord for that. :-) And of course, there was time for baking, time for family, time for friends, and time to just spend time reflecting on just the awesome miracle that is Christmas. I hope every one of you spent time this Christmas reading the story in the Bible of Jesus' birth, and reflecting on what an amazing miracle that was. To think that the God who made heaven and earth came down to heaven in the form of a little baby is just to amazing to think about if you really start to ponder it. I always am reminded of that verse in 2 Corinthians 5:19, that says "God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto Himself." If you didn't do it already, I have a great Advent Family Devotional in Ebook format on my website that you may be interested in for next year. Coming soon (next year hopefully) we will have it translated into Spanish, German and French, per many requests.

The fact that we have all had sinus problems and bronchitis for the last few weeks has only added to the back log of things that need to be done. I was holding someone else's child about 4 weeks ago, when I realized the poor little toddler was getting hotter and hotter, and sounded really congested. Within three days, I was also getting hotter and hotter and also sounding congested ;)....and soon the whole family had joined in on the fun, such that I caught it again after feeling better for a week. Thankfully though we are all still coughing a little bit, we sound much better, and my son is still boasting of being the only one in the family who remains healthy.

Of course there was also good food. My husband loves peanut brittle (the amazing part of that story is that despite enjoying peanut brittle he has only a few cavities in his mouth!), and he loves cashews instead of peanuts, so I spent some time this year making him some Cashew Brittle (which I suppose is also called "sugar" hee hee). My son, who hates nuts, observed it would taste better if it were just brittle. However, Hubby loved it. I like walnuts and hazelnuts best, so I used all of the hazelnuts from my hazelnut bush, and flavored the syrup with some mocha candy flavoring, before pouring it out. What we had was mocha flavored hazelnut brittle. It was heavenly. I'll post the recipe sometime soon, Lord willing. For the real food, we had Turkey with all the trimmings. You just can't beat that.

I am thankful too for children who are not all whiny about wanting the lastest and greatest toys and who are happy with whatever they get. I've seen so many bratty children again this year who whine and fuss at their parents about what they "expect", and it breaks my heart. I got a box of those amazing "Belgian Truffle Seashells" and that was more than enough. :-)...I'm easily pleased. LOL but I would not complain if there was an IPod under the tree either.

Without further ado, here is a photo of our Christmas celebration, with the whole crew (children, grandparents) at the table.

The kids and I decided to put the christmas lights up in the dining room around the entire top of the room. It made it look really nice in there. I think we may just leave them. Is that too redneck of us to have Christmas lights up all year long?

Somehow my kitchen looks a lot messier in this picture than it does in real life...but anyway, this is a picture of my hubby carving the bird.

Happy 2007!

My Birthday

I guess, though it is past, I should tell you a bit about how my birthday went. In short it was pretty good as far as birthdays go :-)

This year, I got some great, "from the heart" presents from my kids. I think it is really sweet that my children try to think of things they can get me within their means, and I so appreciate this. My baby decided that she should download the soundtrack to Narnia through Itunes for me. She thought I'd really appreciate that. So, she went on my computer, onto the ITunes program I have (nearly always open on my desktop), telling me she was doing something special for my birthday. Well, when I went back on later that day, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I was missing $10 out of my Paypal account (LOL), and I couldn't remember what I had bought for those ten dollars. turns out, I found out later that day (before contacting customer service thankfully), my dd burned me a CD with the Narnia sound track on it and a sweet birthday message recorded with Audacity. She just didn't realize I'd get the bill...but it's the thought that counts, right?

My dh shocked me with the gift of a laptop for my birthday. I am just thrilled with the ability to walk around and type at the same time (As if i don't do enough multitasking). With it I got QuickBooks Pro to start keeping better track of business stuff (right now, I use a Dome Accounting book, which works good,but not great). It's been a learning curve to type all of that information in there. ;) THe other day, my dh opened up quick books out of curiosity as to how things were going with the business, and he got really excited until I told him I have only had time to key in income not expenses. LOL (that does change quite a bit ;)).

It's pretty weird to think of myself as a 37 year old mother to a teenager and 4 other children. Growing up I used to think 25 was old, but then I changed my mind and decided that 30 was definitely OLD. Well, I hit thirty (or rather, like a mack truck it hit me), and I realized it wasn't so bad. Now I have a husband turning a whopping 40 years old this coming January, and even 40 doesn't seem so "huge" any more. Even my closest friend is 51!!! WOWIE

But...one thing is for certain...how ever many years or days or hours or minutes I have, I want my life to count for something more than just me. I want to make a difference in the world around me for Jesus, and I want to leave a lasting positive inpression! I don't want to waste a single day that i have left. How about you?