Christmas Stress: A Reader Question

I recently received an email from a reader asking about enjoying Christmas when you have to spend it with unsaved crabby people who like to verbally abuse you as their own special Christmas tradition. I am not sure if what I wrote helps, but as a fellow momma in a similar boat, I shared a few things the Lord had taught me.

Edit: after I wrote this, I read an article at Focus on the Family's Boundless.org which addresses a similar but somewhat different situation (mostly from the perspective of singles coming home for Christmas). I feel the author also has some helpful food for thought in her article!

I love Christmas, but to be honest, I hate family gatherings because my unsaved family is very against some of our family's lifestyle choices, and they want to spend every moment with me picking apart my life. I wish I could just be a better person than that and let them treat me as they do knowing they aren't Christians, but as the day approaches I feel more and more defensive and irritable.

There was more to the email than that...but this is the gist of it.

I read your email last night, and my husband and I both smiled to each other at the familiarity of the story, because as much as I LOVE Christmas, I find this awful pit in my stomach at the thought of family gatherings, being criticized by those who think they are being helpful by pointing out all the ways you don't measure up over Christmas dinner.

Like you, I love Christmas. I dread family gatherings.

I know what holidays are supposed to be, and I know how holidays are when extended family is not involved, and I know how holidays are when my extended family on both sides are involved. I admit...I wish I had way more grace for extended family, and I pray for it often, especially this time of year.

There are a few tactics that help. I wish I could tell you something That would "Work" and make them stop being rude to you and your family. I have not yet found that magical formula to transform a grouchy, critical mother in law into a saint, other than her getting saved (though bringing up the reason for the season around mine makes her jack up the ugliness factor 10x). But I have found some things that help our attitudes.

1. Pray.
Don't walk into the situation without some prayer time before hand. Take time from the Christmas busy-ness and spend time on your knees or standing at your kitchen sink crying out to God. Ask Him to put a love in your heart for them, and the grace to overlook their meanness. Ideally, pray all year long :-)

2. Let your husband run interference with his parents.
This is a little more complex, because you can't control your husband any more than you can control his mommy. Some guys have a hard time standing up to their parents, even to defend their wives.

The thing is, he knows how she is. He grew up with her. He can deal with her easier than you can and may not be interpreting the situation the same way you are. However, good communication in ways that he understands (don't use the phrases "she always", "I never...", etc. Those don't compute for most guys) to help him see how this hurts you, may help him to see how this is affecting you, and help him to know what he can do about it. Be specific. As my honey always tells me, "I don't read minds!" We ladies seem to like to infer things and hope our men connect the dots from point A to point B...they don't often think that way, so be specific.

3. Take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:1-4)
In short, don't dwell on the rude ramblings of grouchy people. Dwell on God's goodness to you, all the things He's done this year (if you have a blessing book, then use it to remind yourself of the good things God has done). Fill your mind with Scripture. This time of year, fill your mind with godly Christmas carols. Have a song in your heart (Col. 3:16).

4. Remind yourself about the facts
What are the facts? The facts are you are a child of God, and they sound like they are miserable, empty people who need to tear others down to make themselves feel better. If anything people like this are to be pitied.

5. Walk Away
There is a Bible principle that I learned while praying about this several years ago. In Proverbs, in a few verses it talks about going from the presence of a foolish person, and not making friendships with angry people. When someone gets ugly, walk away. If they follow you, be nice, but say something like, "I came here to celebrate Christmas, not to be treated rudely, even if it is 'in jest'. When you are ready to talk nicely to me or be silent, I'll come back in the room.".

A caveat: less is best when doing this. Don't be so overly sensitive that you are throwing, essentially, a temper tantrum whenever someone says something stupid that hurts your feelings. I have politely and calmly asked various offenders to be nicer, or let them know that it hurt my feelings, but if it escalates to all out verbal abuse and meanness (and it has), I have walked away. Sometimes I have driven away even when it was at my own house!

6. Don't "answer a fool according to his folly" (Proverbs 26:4)
Don't respond back in kind. Don't answer a snarky comment with an even snarkier comment. Don't repay evil, rude treatment with equally evil and rude treatment. You're better than that. If you are tempted, walk away. Take a breather. Step out on the porch and enjoy the fresh air. Go play with your kids. Help them put together some insanely complicated toy. Resist the urge to snap back if that is your tendency, as this will only make it escalate.

7. Check Your Expectations
There are two kinds of expectations that can be bad in these situations.

The first is expecting a Norman Rockwell Christmas Card sort of Christmas. This tends to lead to disappointment when it doesn't happen. Don't build up expectations to the point where you are going to come crashing down when they don't happen just the way you dreamed about it. Real life is not like those Currier and Ives postcards, though it would be nice, wouldn't it?

The second is anticipating negativity and being stressed and anxious before you even arrive at your destination. Don't expect to walk away with more baggage and bad memories. If you or I walk into our in-laws houses tomorrow, defensive and expecting the worst, our attitude may evoke a similar response in those we are visiting, and, shall we say, "get the party started" in a negative way.

8. The Day is not What's Important
If you have to spend the 24th and the 25th with the extended family, you can still observe Christmas your way on the 23rd or the 26th, or any other day for that matter. Even if you have to observe the incarnation with people who use His name as a profanity multitple times per hour, doesn't mean you can't still spend time (sometime during this season) reflecting on the miracle of the time when Jesus "...was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth." (John 1:14).

Have a Merry Christmas!